I havent written in so long, mostly because God has been doing so much that its overwhelming trying to think of how to write it all down. The long and the short of it is this. After 37 years, after sitting in a pew for 37 years, after being raised in a pastors home for.. you get it... I FINALY KNOW?FEEL THE LOVE OF JESUS!!
its such a long story, but the jist is this. I have alwyas loved the Lord, and I would have told you that I believed He loved me too.. but I hinged so much on what others felt about me. And based on how my husbands treated me I deemed myself pretty unloveable, very unworthy and absolutly unwanted. The evidence was in front of me... and so I worship feeling as I did, that I did because God was worthy to be worshiped, all the while knowing He tolerated me. I prayed, knowing He listened but all the time feeling He'd rather be hearing from someone else. And I knew that God could never use me, not with broken marriages, not with my resounding failures..... But thats not Gods heart toward me at all. One morning, several weeks ago, while I washed the kitchen floor, God spoke clearly to me and told me that He wasnt waiting for my husbands to approve of me, or for my marriages to be fixed, He was waiting for me to want ONLY HIM, to need ONLY HIM, to make HIM the most important man in my life. All God ever wanted was all of me. ME!!! He loves ME! sounds so simplistic, but just as I am! I was waiting to be worth something to someone so I'd know God wfound me worthy too. Im just so filled to overflowing now with this incredible joy, and a beautiful sense of peace. I dont stress when I run into the fathers of my children, I dont bitterly play over and over in my mind how unloved I was, I don't fear the years ahead. I AM NOT ALONE!! Im in this amazing love affair with the lover of my soul, and Im consumed by it! by HIM!
And I know I should have gotten it years and years ago.. jeepers, I bet most of you out there were singing Jesus loves me, and you just 'got it'.. but I was never good enough, never right enough, never enough. Untill Jesus spoke those words to me, I never knew, He loved me, just me, all of me, for just me.
Oh Saviour, how sweet it is to be loved by you!

trust

so we met, had a bite to eat and he played with the boys a bit. its so wierd and stilted. I have no idea what to say to him. what I can say to him. I cant trust him and everything I do or say filters through that.
I never know when he's telling me the truth, I never know what his real motivation is. And thats a result of being lied to so many times, and forgiving and extending trust again, only to be lied to once more.
The real pain is not the lie, or what the lie was about... its who the lie came from. And how much its cost us all.

meeting

we are meeting tonight, and I am afraid
not of him, but of me. I fall for things
I listen and I feel and I trust, and then..
the truth will slap me all the way home.
so Im trying (in vain I think) to steel myself for tonight.

I don't know what he wants from me..

I guess that comes from not knowing him any more.

second verse same as the first.

if you thought marrying a man with an addiction to porn (and all that comes with it) was hard.. you shouldn't do it twice!

but I did.

and the following blogs are really just my way to journal my path through what nearly killed me the first time... so that I can keep my head above the yuk that fills my day.

a little about me.

I married young.

Had five beautiful children with the man I loved very very much, until the constant destruction of trust and fidelity lead to our divorce 13 years later.

I spent the next four years starving emotionally. feeling defeated, unloveable, undesirable and did what ever I thought would help to change that feeling.

nothing but life in Christ worked.

I met another man (we'd known each other for 16 years but not socially)

I married him too soon.

and before our first anniversary knew that Id done the unthinkable, Id married another porn/sex addict.

we have two children together, the second of which was born sans his father...

now six months later he wants to reconcile says he's 'better now'

he doesn't think my previous experience with 'better now' deserves any recognition. Thinks I should let go of the past and move on... trust him again "work" at it.

and I resent the notion that I am running away, giving up.