trust

so we met, had a bite to eat and he played with the boys a bit. its so wierd and stilted. I have no idea what to say to him. what I can say to him. I cant trust him and everything I do or say filters through that.
I never know when he's telling me the truth, I never know what his real motivation is. And thats a result of being lied to so many times, and forgiving and extending trust again, only to be lied to once more.
The real pain is not the lie, or what the lie was about... its who the lie came from. And how much its cost us all.

meeting

we are meeting tonight, and I am afraid
not of him, but of me. I fall for things
I listen and I feel and I trust, and then..
the truth will slap me all the way home.
so Im trying (in vain I think) to steel myself for tonight.

I don't know what he wants from me..

I guess that comes from not knowing him any more.

second verse same as the first.

if you thought marrying a man with an addiction to porn (and all that comes with it) was hard.. you shouldn't do it twice!

but I did.

and the following blogs are really just my way to journal my path through what nearly killed me the first time... so that I can keep my head above the yuk that fills my day.

a little about me.

I married young.

Had five beautiful children with the man I loved very very much, until the constant destruction of trust and fidelity lead to our divorce 13 years later.

I spent the next four years starving emotionally. feeling defeated, unloveable, undesirable and did what ever I thought would help to change that feeling.

nothing but life in Christ worked.

I met another man (we'd known each other for 16 years but not socially)

I married him too soon.

and before our first anniversary knew that Id done the unthinkable, Id married another porn/sex addict.

we have two children together, the second of which was born sans his father...

now six months later he wants to reconcile says he's 'better now'

he doesn't think my previous experience with 'better now' deserves any recognition. Thinks I should let go of the past and move on... trust him again "work" at it.

and I resent the notion that I am running away, giving up.